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PHARTERNITY NEWS

 

 HOT AIR: Our Opinions HINTS for HACKS PHARTS PHEATURES

New Addition to Hack Writers Library

by James Lincoln Warren

June 24, 2006> For the first time in months, there is a new volume in the hallowed, or hollowed, or whatever it is, collection of self-help books for people who either think they can be writers or don't really care but phart around with it anyway (get the joke?  I am so funny!), the Hack Writers Library.

The new title is The Hack Writers Guide to Writing Young Adult Fiction, and was written by a snotty-nosed teenager and what's more, reads like it was written by a snotty-nosed teenager.  But enough about Keith Snyder.  The actual author is our own Junior PHART, Anders Bruce, under a clever and subtle pseudonym, Bruce Anders, which I chose for him because he was going use his own byline but as the publisher, I have to consider the potential for legal action.

I could say that I wished this was the masterpiece we've all longed for, but I don't really care.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.  I've read all nine pages more than twice and still don't remember anything about it except that the author is fixated on sex.  Like that's something original or something.

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New PHARTS Dues Policy

by James Lincoln Warren

May 29, 2006> PHARTS has changed our dues policy.  In the past, members were required to submit a new IOU every year to maintain their memberships.  The new policy makes much more sense.  You only have to submit the IOU once.  You are then a permanent member of PHARTS.  However, if you then decide to leave the organization, you must remit the entire amount of your IOU.  That's right.  Most organizations require you to pay to belong.  We're the first organization I'm aware of where you have to pay us to quit.  I'm really proud of our trail-blazing innovation in this arena.

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Embarrasing News: Old Phart Wins Award

by James Lincoln Warren

September 9, 2005> It has taken me this long to come to grips with what  initially seemed to be devastating news: an Old Phart has won a major award at a fan convention.  This, of course, calls into question the entire integrity and validity of PHARTS.

Elaine Flinn won the Barry Award for Best Paperback Original at Bouchercon this year for her novel Tagged for Murder, which features her detective Molly Doyle, not Molly Blum or Molly Bloom, and not Molly Conan Doyle, none of whom are Molly Doyle, who is the detective Elaine writes about.

I was going to expel her, Elaine, I mean, not Molly Whats'ername,  from the organization, but Charter Pharter Marcia Talley intervened on Elaine's behalf by offering a sufficient amount to make me forget how Elaine disgraced us all.  Thanks, Marcia!

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A Giant Step Hackward

by James Lincoln Warren

August 21, 2005> Eureka.  I have found it.  The first software product seemingly designed exclusively for us hacks.

Doesn't Microsoft Word just piss you off?  All those annoying "features", those stupid auto-corrections, that goddamn automatic paragraph numbering system, its unfathomably moronic grammar checker.  Not to mention, of course, that you have to be a freakin' software engineer to get it to do what you want, which is simply to act like a frigging typewriter.

You may now delete Word from your computer.  I am pleased to officially endorse The Visual Typewriter, shareware from www.nolad.com.  It acts and sounds just like a manual typewriter. If you backspace, it does not erase anything.  It evens types over letters. You have to hit the "Return" key when the bell goes off to move down to the next line.  The only font it has is a really messy-looking Courier, which not only looks like the keys ought to be cleaned and the ribbon replaced, but isn't even aligned properly.  It's perfect.

The program displays a manual typewriter in front of a pastoral scene.  You can change the pastoral scene by changing wallpaper.  You can download the trial version for free, which won't let you use any but paper with the corporate logo emblazoned on the letterhead, and which won't let you save the file-- but it will let you print.  The licensed version is $20, and saves files in PDF or HTML.

It is truly a giant step hackward in writing technology.  I hereby dub it the Official Word Processing Software of PHARTS.

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Hack Identity Challenged by So-Called "Writer"

by James Lincoln Warren

August 18, 2005> I got the following email today:

FWIW (regarding "hack writers"), I can't remember who said this ... think it was Dean Koontz ... but when a reporter asked him to respond to criticism by colleagues who called him a hack writer, he laughed and replied, "The definition of a *hack writer* is a writer who sells more work than the other writer who's calling him a *hack*."

Regards,
J. Alec West

Well!  You can just imagine how deeply this insensitive and wholly inappropriate remark wounded me.  Here is my reply:

What the hell does he know, anyway?  I've been called a hack by all kinds of writers who make lots more money than I do.  At writing.  We actual hacks take a very dim view of attitudes like Dean Koontz's, pretending that we don't truly exist.  We know who we are.  And we know where Dean Koontz lives, too.  In California.

JLW

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Introducing the Hack Press

August 16, 2005> In our ever more strenuous efforts to service the public, the Professional Hack Authors RecogniTion Society is pleased to announce the formation of the Hack Press and our first product line, the Hack Writers Library. All publications are free and available online in PDF through our website.

The inaugural title is THE HACK WRITERS GUIDE TO WRITING THE MYSTERY by Sneith Kyder. Others are scheduled, covering Fantasy & Scince Fiction, Romance, the Western, and Horror, and they will be made available provided we aren't done away with before we can act again.

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Hacks Come Out of Woodwork

August 14, 2005:  PHARTS has resonated far in excess of our expectations.  Applications keep rolling in.  We're a little short on the Starter Pharter category, though, and we can always use more Old Pharts.

Maybe we can all meet in the bar at Bouchercon.

Odious to Uncle Sam

by Can Jonwell (obviously a pseudonym)

June 25, 2006>  One of the most gratifying perks of being a professional hack is when you get to stand around at your husband’s Squadron Christmas party and brag.  For those of you without military husbands, life sux doesn’t it?  Despite evidence to the contrary, military people are very polite and always willing to listen to me talk about myself.  They do seem to have in common a glazed look in there eyes.  I’m sure that this, and the slack-jawed drooling thing, is a pre-occupation hazard, probably from jet fuel vapors or something.

Which brings me to my point.  Hack authors and patriotism.  Military people overseas need stuff to read.  Not good stuff, either.  The good stuff earns awards, not money, and such oblivious proof of the corruption of our countries values is bound to suppress our boys and girls in desert camo.  No, they need us, the Professional Hack Authors.  So in the spirit of good ol’ American Capitalism, I say we should each write a story—the purest dreck of which we are capable of, and send it to them as soon as possible.

I know that sending our hard work and bad writing away for free flies in the face of hack integrity.  Such philandthropy is not worthy of true hacks.  But I have a plan to fix that.  We put all the stories into a anthology and sell buttloads.  Patriotic saps everywhere will pay stupidly high prices to own a copy of Pharts: The Smell of Phreedom!

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Proposed PHARTS Slogan

by James Lincoln Warren

May 29, 2006>PHARTS has a proud Motto: "EXCUSE ME", but no official slogan.  In my opinion, and mine is the only one that counts because I'm a dictator, we also need a slogan.  I propose a line from William Wordsworth's Ode, "Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood":

"Trailing clouds of glory"

What do you think?  Not that it matters.  I'm a dictator, remember?

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How PHARTS Should Help

by Jordan the Barbarian Stoen

September 9, 2005> I would love to tell you how deeply honored I am and how much this means to me. However, I am really bad at lying. Which I find holds me back in my career development as a truly dedicated hack. So I was hoping maybe this organization could help me by giving a series of really helpful and potentially profitable seminars. Things like:

  • How to persuade editors and agents you know what your writing about

  • Where to get the credentials to convince them you do

    1. medical

    2. self help

    3. diet books

    4. cookbooks

    5. war books

  • How to convince people your'e a bestselling author when they never heard of you

    1. cocktail parties

    2. bars

    3. family reunions

    4. business conventions

  • When to write you'r own profitable book on how to write a bestseller

  • Giving profitable seminars to share youre expert knowledge about writing and stuff

    1. convincing people to pay a lot

    2. what to sell when they get there

  • How to get other people to write a bestselling book and put you name on it

  • How to get a big-name bestselling author to put his/her name on you'er book

And I'm sure the rest of the membership can come up with even greater ideas. Then we hire a bunch of out-of-work good speakers to do the actual seminars, and sit back and rake in the cash. What do you say?

Or do you think maybe we should keep the true secrets of becoming financially independent through hackdom to ourselves and keep out the competition?

Editor's note: Jordan the Barbarian Stoen is PHARTS' own High Skald of the Pagan Hordes.

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Guest Editorial: Hack Press

by Carol Baier

August 17, 2005> Dear Publisher:

What a revelation The Hack Writers Guide to Writing the Mystery has turned out to be. Just yesterday, I despaired of ever finishing "Murder on the Moor: An Inspector Skoggs Mystery."  Indeed, I had been stuck on page one since Boxing Day, 2002 with no breakthrough in sight. Today my copy of the Guide arrived and there, on the introduction page, mind you, Snyder had unerringly pointed out my mistake: I had given the Inspector a hat! I removed it at once.

Skipping over to Character, I hit another snag. How was I to characterize my protagonist? Bundtcake had already set the bar devilishly high with a policeman who looked like Tom Cruise and ate peanuts. I ruminated but a few minutes and the solution leapt out at me. My original problem had been a hat. I had removed the hat, but more could be done. I removed his head. This wouldn't violate Mr. Snyder's "no originality" rule as it had already been done by Irving. Since the Inspector was now headless, I was loathe to use either Tom Cruise or peanuts. I considered Clive Owen and brandied figs for a moment, both in my view considerably more attractive, but I couldn't make it work. The answer, of course, was right in front of me: anyone moving throughout the story without a head was bound to be clumsy. I had my trait.

I had now come to the Classic Plot and wasted no time choosing #2. It stood to reason that crossing guards, Korean twins and ovens were all unlikely to be found on a moor, but a werewolf just hummed with authenticity. He'd fit right into the Hero's Journey since his job would be leading the Inspector to the PTA meeting, inexplicably held on the moor. As a happy bonus, it would take care of the sidekick problem quite nicely.

There remains, of course, the question of acquiring an agent. Rather than wear  myself out writing query letters, I'll just ask Mr. Snyder to refer me to his.

Hackingly yours,

Carol Baier

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Guest Editorial: More TROUTS

by Gar Anthony Haywood

(reprinted from DorothyL)

August 14, 2005 > Inspired by Lee Goldberg's and Max Allen Collins' recent announcement of the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers ... (snip) ... (Paul Guyot and [James Lincoln Warren]) have formed our own new organization, the Professional Hack Authors RecogniTion Society.

Great work, Jim and Paul, but you missed a couple of very obvious Trout Award categories:

  • Most Blatant Sale Made Strictly For the Big Bucks

  • Most Blatant Sale Made Strictly to Pay Next Month's Gas Bill

  • Sorriest Excuse for a Pen Name (Ray Shannon excluded)

  • Worst Book Written in a Whole Eight Days

  • Most Dreadful Screenplay Born of an Idea That Should Have Died in the Pitch Meeting

  • Brownest Nose on a Writer Seeking Freelance Work

  • Most Transparent Use of Product Placement in the Hope of Receiving Freebies

  • Largest Fortune Flushed Down the Can Attending Writing Boot Camps Taught by Fellow PHARTS

  • Funniest DorothyL Post Written by a PHART Avoiding Writing

  • Blog Most Likely to Cause Drowsiness

  • Most Harm Done by Any of the 17,622 Books Entitled "DO NO HARM"

  • Largest Advance Earned By an Author Whose SoCalled Agent Did Absolutely Nothing to Make the Sale

I could go on and on...

Editor's Note: Although Gar is a Non-Pharter, he has kindly offered "to do some graphics work for the inevitable 'PHART FARM' hiphop clothing line ads."

What Is Writing?

by Michael Haskins

June 5, 2007>  Question: what is writing. Answer:

I was asked by a friend how I write when I write and for how long. A lot easier asked than answered. I have read of writers who work eight-to-10-hours a day, sometimes six-days a week, in front of the computer. Wow! If I did that, I could get a book done in three months. I am not sure how good it would be, not with my shortsighted thought process.

Like many writers, I have a job that pays the bills and then my real job, writing. So, at the end of the day I can be all juiced up and write for a few hours, or I can be exhausted and maybe read what I’ve written earlier and do a little editing.

I thought about this recently, like Memorial Day Weekend when I thought I really had a productivity rush. I wrote about 3,000 words between Saturday and Monday. And, that’s after editing it down before beginning the next day.

First, you need to understand that writing is not sitting in front of computer and typing words onto the screen. There has to be some organization, planning, thought. Without those items all I’d get on the screen would be a mishmash of meaningless words, or maybe a few useless sentences.

So, I tried to explain to my friend that when I am sitting at the Hog’s Breath smoking a cigar and sipping a drink, I am writing in my head – sometimes. I maybe working on a solution to a problem I am having moving a chapter forward.

Here’s an example from the book I am working on now, a sequel to “Chasin’ the Wind,” called “Free Range Institution.” I am near the end of the story and wanted to put a little action into the few chapters preceding the water chase, seaplane landing, and shootout.

It is early a.m. and most of the protagonist’s friends involved in solving the murder and keeping themselves from being victims are hiding out at a bread-and-breakfast inn in Key West. Three of them just shot up “Doctor-feel-good vitamins,” yeah amphetamines mixed with B12. They’ve been up all night and still have a long day ahead. But, that’s another blog.

I want to take them to Harpoon Harry’s for an early breakfast, it just feels like what they should do, but the Colombians and local bad guys are looking for them. So I am thinking about it, smoking a cigar, and walking around. I think about dumping the chapter for something better. But what?

Harpoon Harry’s is on Caroline Street in Key West. It’s a small breakfast-lunch diner and the walls are glass doors that open onto the street. Service begins at 5:30 a.m. and it’s still an early dusky morning in the story, so I put them there. Something has to happen. You have to trust me on this, but because of who two of the people in the group are (one a friend of protagonist Mad Mick Murphy) there is one guy parked across the street for security.

By the time I am sipping my Jameson’s at the Hog I can almost see the action. I take out my little notebook and make notes to myself – I don’t trust my memory and keep it handy, along with a small tape recorder in the Jeep for when I am driving and can’t write things down. So what do I come up with?

If you like this let me know. The Colombians drive by, notice Murphy and just start shooting up like they’d do back home; Cocaine Cowboys, riddling Harpoon Harry’s with automatic gunfire! (I can see it happening) By the time they’ve made the turn onto Caroline Street the security guy has jumped into action, and shot up the car, causing it to crash. Now we’ve got Harpoon’s torn up, a car with some (maybe) dead Colombians and, for sure, someone’s gonna call the cops. Hey, maybe one or two Colombians climb out of the car and there’s an additional shootout! Getting more action than I counted on.
Not what the good guys wanted or what I planned on.

I hadn’t thought of that, but hey, the story takes on a life of its own and as a writer I have to move forward with it. Just because it’s been outlined or noted in my little blocked-out points I scribble on pads of yellow lined paper with ideas that go from common sense to way wild, doesn’t mean it’s gonna be that way. Kind of like life.

Writing is about killing and betrayal and it ain’t easy to do all that while sitting down at home in front of a blank screen – not for me anyway.

When I drive around, sometimes as far as Florida City (three hours north), I often solve a problem I’ve had difficulty with in the novel or come up with some wild idea that helps improve my novel. I have had these great solutions while driving and long after a chapter has been written, so I have to go back to rewrite it. It always seems to work better.

So, to me, writing has a lot to do with thinking things through, discovering new twists and turns to what I thought I’d worked out and sometimes having to make a good guy bad or a bad guy good. It doesn't hurt to have a good cigar while doing this.

There are times I wonder who is writing the novel, me or the damn characters I’ve created.

 

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PHARTing in the Water

by Cindy Daniel

September 12, 2005> Since I haven’t done well at sticking to a writing routine at home—I thought a change of scenery may be in order. So, after careful deliberation, my husband and I felt that PHARTing would be a great outdoor activity and we decided to buy a boat. 

Not just any boat. No. A nice boat with a cabin. That way Jeff could stay on deck and get some fishing done—and I could be down in the cabin by myself, free to PHART without any interruption. 

After a nice weekend on the boat, cruising across the lake with my brother and sister-in-law, we tied the boat up. It should be noted that I hadn’t PHARTed on the boat yet, not with family on board--and Texas summers are too hot to even try to PHART outside; it could be hazardous to your health! But later in the week we got a call from the marina telling us the boat was sinking.  

We had owned boats before, so we didn’t think it was necessary to get it checked out by a mechanic; after all, it looked really cool! Additionally, because Jeff has such a high stress job at the newspaper, and because my head is always in the clouds concentrating on PHARTing, we forgot to get insurance immediately.  

Well, we’re fixing the boat. It’s costing a lot, but sometimes you have to pay the price for stupidity. And let me tell you...stupidity costs A LOT! But there is a moral to this story. One I feel my fellow PHARTers should be aware of. 

Never PHART in the water until you check for unwanted leaks—because bottom jobs aren’t cheap, and having your rear hoisted out of the lake by a winch isn’t pretty!

Editor's note: Cindy Daniel holds the PHARTS Office, yer Illustrious Scurvy Wench of the Seven Seas.

___

 

How to Make $100,000 in a Week as a Novelist

 

by David Skibbins, PhD.

 

August 18, 2005> Marketing is the only reason to write: stretch limos, Rolexes, Italian suits. Writing for the love of it is like a tree falling in a forest. Rotting timber.

 

So how do you make the really big bucks? It's easy.

 

First of all forget writing anything but thrillers. I mean go to an airport. The three people not watching DVDs or talking on their cell phones are reading thrillers. Duh!

 

Writing thrillers is easy. Someone is going to destroy the world. Your guy (don't be a wuss and write girly thrillers. Women read about men, but we don't repay the compliment.) Like I was saying, your guy tries to stop him. (or her, or them, or it, or whatever). You keep throwing junk in his way and make it look like all hope is lost. Somehow he barely escapes. Do that five times and then let him win. Then type "The End." Done, finito, finished. You're so money you don't even know you're money!

 

But after you get the New York agent and the big publisher you are still going to have to go out there and market your book. Here are the Five Eternal Laws of Marketing Your Novel:

 

1- Come up with a catchy hook. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be true or have anything to do with your novel.  Look at you! You've read this far into this article with my totally bogus title.

 

2- Don't bother with all those bookmarks, postcards, web site and other crap. Too expensive, and it only appeals to geeks, nerds, and terminal eccentrics. You're aiming for a Joe Six-Pack who has a few basic reading skills.

 

3- Piss off somebody famous. You gotta get the press, and this is the fastest way. Aim for activities in the misdemeanor range, though. It's harder to market from prison.

 

4- Wherever you go (the police station, court, your press conference) wear a garish tee shirt with the cover of your book splashed all over it. If you can get your whole family to wear them in camera range of the evening news crew even better.

 

5- Co-author a book with Joe Konrath. He'll go out there and do the manic gorilla marketing crap while you sit home watching reruns of Home Improvement.

 

I told you it was easy.

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Insomnia or Narcolepsy?

August 18, 2005> Some so-called "writers" think you have to suffer for your Art, and that the best way to do that is to lie awake at night in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about what you wrote or are writing and whether it's any good and maybe how you can make it better or something stupid like that.  Who cares?  This is called insomnia, I don't know why.

The only real problem with writing is staying awake when you write.  This may be due to having stayed out too late at Del's Saloon at 12238 Santa Monica Boulevard in Los Angeles right next to the the Smart & Final Smaller Faster Warehouse Store where they have a couple pool tables, at Del's I mean, not Smart & Final which sells groceries and stuff, and a karaoke night but no draft beer and mostly they sit around watching football on the big projection TV (at Del's), or it might because what you're writing is really boring, an occupational hazard for us hacks.  This is called narcolepsy, although if you asked me "narcolepsy" should mean having a seizure after using too much heroin, but it isn't.

Anyway, my hint is, if you have to suffer for your so-called ART then it is better to get narcolepsy than insomnia, but only just.

____

What's Wrong With My Application?

August 16, 2005> If you've applied for membership in PHARTS and received a notice that your application was defective, it's probably because you forgot to lie about something.  Here's an exchange between our Sublime Imperial President-for-Life and Charter Pharter Applicant Keith Snyder:

JLW: There are a few problems with your application, Keith.  First, it seems that you may be gainfully employed.  Unemployment is a strict requirement for membership in PHARTS.  I'll overlook it for now, but pleased get fired as soon as you can. Also, you didn't check the box saying you'd been paid by an idiot.  This is far more serious.  But as you have been published, I'm assuming it's an oversight. Welcome to the Pharternity!  Congratulations, I think.

KS: Dear membership committee, I would like to have clarified a couple of your two points. While it is true that I am employmentful, I understood "gainful" to be the nut of the crux. Secondly, I truly believe that everyone who's paid me for anything has been an idiot. Please advise.

Yours sincerish,
Keith Snyder

JLW: In view of your unexpectorated eloquentness, I withdraw any objectifications.

KS: That's most expectorant!
 

At Last: a Young PHART

by Anders Bruce

June 12, 2006> After tearfully accepting JA Konrath's Genny Award, I read the comments for the entry wherein he introduced it and found a link to an even greater honor: the PHARTS. The obvious professionalism and low cost of joining this society made me eager to apply.

When I checked my Inbox today, my heart ruptured from the sheer quantity of joy surging through it: I had been admitted! As blood from said rupture flowed onto my keyboard, I learned of even more happy tidings: JLW was giving me the opportunity to write a piece for the PHARTISSIMO. Now I lie in my hospital bed, my brand new cow heart pumping in my chest, and try through mere words to express my
excitement. My suitable-for-framing membership certificate hangs on the wall, right beside the "Most Likely to Be A Used Car Salesman" award I received in seventh grade.

My goal in life is to put out absolute pulp dreck as frequently as possible, and to receive as much money as I can extort from the publishers of that dreck. To that end, I am currently holding captive the children/dogs/gin pails of several dozen speculative fiction agents and editors, and will only release my prisoners upon the acceptance of manuscripts I've enclosed with my ransom notes.So far, I have received two "Dear Author" rejections, and one personal response
advising me to use double-spaced 12-point Courier instead of letters cut out of magazines.

___

COWFISH:
Cool Original Words For Inspiring Smartness Hello

by Paul Guyot

August 17, 2005>  Phellow Pharters.

This is the first COWFISH column by yours truly and me. In the days ahead I hope to extend my intelligence as a writer to you to help you all learn good writing. I look forward to meeting all PHARTERS at our first annual and yearly conference. But we don't know when that will be yet.

Today's word is ODIOUS.

I'm pretty sure this word means something like ode. It sounds very close to ode, but with another syllable. Or maybe two.

Anyway, it's a good word to use in your writing or your daily speak when you want to express gratitude or appreciation to someone or something - which is what ode means. But instead of using those boring and long words, odious is a good alternative.

Example: Frank was odious to Doug for the use of his lawn mower.

Good luck with using odious and I look forward to the next COWFISH column.

You'res,
Paul Guyot
Eternal and Most Puissant Sergeant-at-Arms